On goals

Sent back from school...I'm assuming they had the kids do this at the beginning of the year.

"My goal for 2nd grade is to listen because it is something I need to work on."

I'm uncertain she understands how progression toward goals works.

A school assignment...

I just took this out of her backpack:

"I show respect by helping out and playing with people who are sad and I am kind and I am loveable."

She forgot humble.

When I grow up...

"When I grow up I'm going to be a singer.  The reason why is because I like singing.  I like singing because they use microphones.  Also I want to be a scientist.  That is because I like chemistry."

Hannah, the singing chemist.

Scamming Santa

Hannah: Guess what?  I know what I'm going to ask for for Christmas!
Me: Christmas is kinda a ways off baby...
Tim: What are you going to ask for?
Hannah: Three thousand dollars!
Me: I'm pretty sure Santa just gives out toys, not cash.
Hannah: No, he gives out money.
Tim: How do you know that?
Hannah: Well, on Christmas morning, I was looking through a window into a house and I saw a kid who got money.
Me: Well how do you know it was from Santa?
Hannah: He was holding a note that said "To whoever, here's three thousand dollars.  From Santa"
Tim: Well who was it? 
Hannah: I don't know, I didn't know that kid.
Tim: Well it would have said on the note you saw...Santa wouldn't have said "To whoever"
Hannah: Yeah, I'm not sure, but that kid got three thousand dollars so that's what I'm asking for.

I'm so glad that she thinks a reasonable explanation of her crazy ideas comes from peeking through the windows of other people on Christmas morning to see what they got - and thinks that we wouldn't have noticed her absence during her stalking expedition.  We're in real trouble when her lies get better.

My new favorite thing...

...is evesdropping on Hannah playing with her friend Lucy...because they're both very...ummmm...creative.

Hannah: What about the trash dog's baby? It has a papercut right here.
Lucy: Yeah, but it's a trash dog, so it sounds like an old lady.
Hannah: It has a papercut though, like you have on your finger.
Lucy: If it was a splinter, my dad could pull it out.
Hannah: *in high pitched voice* Don't listen to the trash family! They just said your baby is weird. The trash family works for the queen and she said it's stupid!
Lucy: Oh isn't she very cute!
Hannah: *whispering* pretend he wants to be nice but he's grouchy.
Lucy: I am mister grouchy face!
Hannah: I see your wife mr. grouchy face! She looks kinda grouchy too!
Lucy: grouch grouch grouch!
Hannah: She sounds funny.
Lucy: Yeah, she can't talk like us.
Hannah: Why not?
Lucy: She got poisoned.

It should be noted that they were playing cards.

That does sound like a fun place...

Overheard while Hannah and her friend Lucy were playing in the next room:

Lucy: Let's pretend we're werewolves!
Hannah: Ok! Want to go hang out at the werewolf club? They have TV and soccer games and kangaroo kickboxing!

What a state we're in...

Me: "So what did you do at school today?"
Hannah: "ummm...we learned about liquids vs. solids."
Me: "Neat! So how might a liquid, like water, become solid?"
Hannah: "It would freeze!"
Me: "Right! And if it melted, what state would the water be in then?"
Hannah: "hmmm...Texas maybe?"

I like cold beverages

Hannah: "Tim? What's a beverage?"
Tim: "It's another word for drink."
Hannah: "Oh."

A few minutes later...

Tim: "Did you finish your drink?"
Hannah: "Yup, I beveraged it all up!"

Remember when you weren't fat?

Hannah: "Hey Mom? Remember when we used to live with Margaret?"
Me: "Yeah?"
Hannah: "I miss Margaret."
Me: "Me too; we'll have to visit her soon."
Hannah: "I remember when we lived with Margaret, and you were skinny."
Me: "When I was skinny? You mean I'm not skinny now?"
Hannah: "Well, you're not AS skinny."
Me: "Are you trying to tell me I'm getting fat?"
Hannah: "Only a little fatter. You're still mostly skinny but just a little bit fatter."

Well I guess that's something.

Soylent Green?

Me: "Whatcha drawing?"
Hannah: "A machine"
Me: "Oh yeah? What kind of machine?"
Hannah: "It makes food so you won't have to go grocery shopping anymore!"
Me: "That's awesome! How does it make the food?"
Hannah: "Well, you put stuff in the top here, and then the food comes out of the bottom over here."
Me: "Oh? Well, what do you put in the top?"
Hannah: "Ingredients."
Me: "Well then I'd still need to shop for the ingredients!"
Hannah: "Wait! There will be no ingredients, only seeds!"
Me: "So all the food will grow from seeds in the machine?"
Hannah: "YES!"
Me: "What about foods that don't grow from seeds?"
Hannah: "What foods?"
Me: "Like bacon."
Hannah: "What does bacon come from?"
Me: "Pig meat."
Hannah: "No way!"
Me: "No really, seriously. It's made out of pig meat."
Hannah: *sigh* "Well, then I guess you'll just have to go shopping for seeds and pig meat."

A Hannah joke

"Hey Mom, want to hear a trick question!?"
"I'd love to!"
"What's got 12 feet but only one hand?"
"I have no idea."
"A cyclops hand with 12 feet! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"
"I would never have guessed that! I hope he's friendly, cause a cyclops hand with 12 feet sounds a little scary to me."

Hannah immediately adopts an expression of concern, approaches me, and gently pats my arm.

"Don't worry Mama...it's only really a man in a costume."

She clearly thinks I'm very fragile.

Well shucks, thanks honey

I was complaining a little yesterday that our washing machine caught a pair of my underwear up and stretched them out enough to be sumo wrestler thong and Hannah helpfully offered to give up a pair of her own.

Hannah: Awww, poor Mama! Do you want a pair of my princess underpants?! You can stretch them all out real big so they'll fit and I won't mind!


...

Double Jeopardy

Alex Trebek: This Italian explorer was the first European to sail into New York harbor.

Hannah: DORA! Dora the Explorer! It was Dora the Explorer mom!

Answer: Verrazano

Me: Good try Hannah...you were very close, but I think Dora's Spanish.

An observation

Hannah got a happy meal today...a rare occurrence...and inside was a transformers toy: Optimus Prime.

Hannah: Momma, I got Octopus Prime!
Me: That's great!
Hannah: Mom?
Me: Yes?
Hannah: Octopus Prime is a robot.
Me: Yup.
Hannah: Robots don't have a place to pee.
Me: Do you suppose that's a problem?
Hannah: No, silly, they're robots!
Me: Ok then.

Did anyone expect that she wouldn't be a smart ass?

Me at the grocery store: "Hannah, please stay right with me."

Hannah proceeds to wander off while yelling, "Hey Mom, what are you looking for?!"

Me: "Hannah just stay with me please."

Hannah: "Is that what you're looking for Mom, some Hannah-just-stay-with me? Is that what you were looking for, huh?!"

It's already begun.

She didn't ask.

Before entering Target, I told Hannah that if she asked for anything, she'd be getting nothing.

Hannah, immediately upon entering: "OHHH, Momma! Can I have...
Me: *glare*
Hannah: ...a hug?\
Me: surrrrre.
Hannah, casually: Hey Mom?
Me: Yeah.
Hannah: I sure to like that toy. I wish I could have it sometime but not right now but maybe later or something.

It's been a while...

...she didn't stop being funny; life just caught up with us.

/end excuse.

At the grocery store, to reward her for her good behavior, I purchased for her her favorite candy: Sweedish Fish. Yeah, I don't get it, but whatever...I suppose there could be worse things. In the car on the way home:

"Mommy, thank you for buying me these Sweedish Fish."
"You're welcome baby...I thought you should have them because you were so good at the store!"
"You mean, I was..um...considering?"
"Pardon?"
"I was considering you, right?!"
"Yes, you were being very considerate, thank you!"
"Yes. I was. Also, you were considering me when you got me these Sweedish Fish."
"Yes, I suppose I was!"
"Here Mommy...this Sweedish Fish is your Sweedish fish for considering me. That was a good job!"

I ate it even though I don't really like them. I love her.

Thanks for the update

3:30AM today: "Momma? Momma? Momma?"

"Yes?"

"See how long my hair is getting!? It's getting REALLLY LONG!"

"That's great baby, can you please go to sleep now?"

Points for using the word correctly

This is actually from a few days ago, but I've been busy.

I arrived at preschool to Hannah's teacher pulling me aside and in hushed tones relating the following:

"While Hannah and another friend were in the bathroom, the other little girl had some trouble wiping and got some feces on her hand."
"Ok?"
"Hannah told her not to worry about it, that it was just shit."
"huh, well, at least she used it correctly. I mean, I never do that, so I'm not sure where she even heard it where it wasn't the result of injury or panic."

Upon reflection, boyfriend and I think it was probably when someone referenced cat or dog shit. We're not entirely sure.

Judge not, lest ye...

Ok, so we got home kinda late last night and were rushing to get our stuff in the house and into bed. I send Hannah upstairs to get her pj's on. A few minutes later, I hear one of the worst things I've ever heard:

"Mamma? I don't have any more diapers."

I think to myself, ok, this just cannot be. There are like three emergency bags of items in this house, diaper bags, etc. I spend the next several minutes examining every nook and cranny and bag and storage container that had any potential. I finally realized that yes, it's 9:30pm, I've told Hannah we can have a slumber party in Mommy's bed, and she has absolutely no diapers. I can't go to the store at this hour and anyway, Hannah's naked and looking at me like I'm an alien.

I start combing through all my medical supplies when I come across a extra-super absorbancy menstrual pad that was likely given to me at the hospital when I had her. For half a second I'm thrilled, then suddenly horrified, then just unsure. Will this work? Will she know that I'm up to something?

"Hey Hannah, for tonight you can wear underpants with this kind of diaper and we'll go get you some more of your kind of diaper tomorrow!"
"I can wear underpants to bed!? Like a big girl!?"
"Yes, just for tonight, and we'll keep working on getting you up to use the potty at night so you can start wearing them all the time soon!"
"YES! I can't wait to tell all my friends at school tomorrow that I got to wear a special diaper that goes in my underpants!"
"Uh...uh...uh...well, um...well...uh...maybe we shouldn't tell your friends. They might feel bad that they didn't get to use one."
"Oh yeah, cause they're just little."
"Right-o."